I remember, as a preachers kid, we were not allowed to have thoughts of loosing ones virginity before marriage.
Yet my thoughts haunted me, “If he loves me, like the movie ‘Love Story’ he’ll stay because I’ll agree.”
I remember the kissing, “You know I love you?”
I remember the begging, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t make me beg?”
I remember the yelling, “Everyone ‘makes out’ except you! You’re such a prude!”
He kept ignoring me, “Sorry, he just left this very second.” I had to give him my answer. Crying myself to sleep was common during the summer of ’76.
I thought I was expected to wait until I was older? I thought ‘love’ was much more than sex? Why wasn’t I following my heart? Does a 16 year old have experience?
I didn’t have any desire to loose my first ‘love’, but I did not know the first thing about true ‘love’.
I was totally ignorant, a broken heart was in the making and that was scaring me.
I remember the night.
On August 15, 1976 we were driving home in his ’72 ‘Goat’ GTO muscle car of the 1970’s, or so he thought. With eyes downcast, I said, “I’m ready.”
He kissed me, said he loved me, and would forever!
My folks were at home, and they trusted me inexplicably, I wish they hadn’t.
We put our fake smiles on, especially him. They had company over and I said, “Mom, Dad, we’re heading toward my room and watch TV, okay?”
They could have said, “It’s okay, but keep the door open.” They didn’t, instead, “We may be loud, you may feel like closing your door sweetheart.” Thanks Dad
I remember saying, “Quietly latch the door, but pretend you’re coughing.” He did, he was about to loose his virginity too!
I remember saying, “What now? I’m really scared?”
He said, “Get undressed!”
I said, “I’m crawling under the covers, I’m really scared!”
He said, “It’s 95 degrees out! I want to see you!”
I said, “Please, let’s just start, what would happen if they knock at the door, or something?!”
He said, “Okay, get under the covers, but I want the light on.”
I said, “Only my lava lamp, enough, start.”
I remember thinking a guy could cum eyeing a girl, I was so naïve. I didn’t know what foreplay meant, and there was none of that.
I remember he burst out kissing me and all my thoughts were, “How long does this take?”
The ‘rubber’ was on, and before you could say ‘Jack Robinson’, it finished. I began to tear in pain.
Spotty blood leaked out, and he concluded.
We were all sweaty from the heat, we just clumped all up. My first thought was, “I lost my virginity for this? Where were the fireworks? The sexual pleasure you see on Tv? All I saw was blood, and I ached with shame?”
I remember he said goodnight in my driveway, but not with the intensity when I agreed he could ‘deflower’ me earlier.
I remember feeling like I had ridden a horse for 24 hours the next day.
I could never keep a secret. My sisters asked me why was I walking strange, I told them. I may have had one foot in the grave as far as they were concerned.
Then the unthinkable befell upon a naïve 16 year old on September 7, 1976
I was dumped the day school started.
“It’s not you, it’s just I’m a Senior in HS now.” He spoke it out loud and smooth, like a greaseball, “I have an urge to date other girls, you’re too clingy.”
I remember being inconsolable, the tears were so deep, I sobbed as if I lost a child, but I had! I lost the child inside of me!
“You told me you loved me and that’s why we were ‘making love’?!” I spluttered out in between my sobs.
Then I remember, the very last thing he said to me.
“We didn’t ‘make love’ we fucked, at least I can get blow jobs from other girls, you don’t know how, sorry.” Off he drove in his GTO with me crying at my HS door.
The pain, the hurt, the anger, and the disgust at only being 16 was never worth that long horrible trip I put one’s trust in, August 15, 1976